I am a 36 year old Stay at home Mom. This is my journal of (hopefully)self improvement. There are many things I feel the need to change about myself. I will also have some average, run of the mill rants and raves thrown in for fun.
...... to it's new home at MyBalancingact.net. Erika has graciously built a new blog for me on her site. I am now joining all the other cool chicks in the blog commune. .
Today has been a better day. Probably because I determined to make it a better day. I exchanged the outfit I bought Andrew the other day. I got it home and the pants were the right size but the shirt was 2 sizes too big. No I am wondering what the child who needed a size 6 pants and a size 4 shirt looks like It seem rather disproportionate to me. It was pretty comical when I had Andrew try it on. the size 6 shirt we ended up with at home hung off his arms and could have been a mini dress if her were a girl. He was not happy I was taking it back today. He obviously doesn't understand the concept of exchange but he was thrilled when he realized he would be bringing his basketball clothes home with him.
I had fun goofing off with Michael this afternoon and for just a while he snuggled up next to me and hugged me. I really need those moments with him. He tends to want to hug me and hang on me when I am in the middle of doing something like cooking dinner or taking care of Andrew. I have to watch that I don't just brush him off because I am busy. I work really hard at that and if I have a moment where I have to run on I try to catch up with him later and give him some attention.
I think Andrew must have allergies. Last night as I was going to bed I hear him snuffling and sniffing. I hoped he wasn't getting a cold and then wondered if maybe that contributed to the bad day. He was having a hard time so I got him up and gave him some dimetapp. He slept well and woke up clear this morning. Now tonight he is stuffy again. I gave him another dose before he went to bed but he is still stuffy. This is allergy season around here. I will have to check the levels today and yesterday and see what it is that is likely bothering him. I am going to bet ragweed. Just checked according to the local news site Mold is the big one right now but as far as pollens go Ragweed is the top one. This is just the beginning of ragweed season. I hope this is just a fluke and Andrew isn't affected all fall. that would be horrible.
Today he was running to the potty but didn't make it quite soon enough and got a little on his underwear. I told him no big deal and was taking them off. He tells me. "Mom I can wear underwear to bed. I promise I won't poop in them. or pee in them. " little sweetie I have told him hundreds of times that it is ok that lots of big boys wear pullups to sleep in. It has never seemed to be a big deal before but today it kicked in that this was becoming a big issue for him. Tomorrow I will be doing sheets I am sure, he is wearing his underwear to bed. If it is an issue for him then I am going to let him try it. I hope he is successful but I have my doubts since he is generally wet when he wakes up. It's funny I was just telling Aimee yesterday that he didn't really mind wearing his pull ups to bed. He never has made a big deal out of it. Today there was something in his voice that made me think I might be wrong. I am once again following his lead. He generally knows the way pretty well so we shall see.
We had Chinese food tonight. My fortune said 'Your Luck has been completely changed today.' My first thought was Woo Hoo! Then it hit me. I don't want my luck to completely change. Yeah sure this has been a really crappy assed summer. There have been some major downs. I always said I wasn't a particularly lucky person but I had luck where it counts. This means I don't tend to win the lottery and I am generally a day late and a dollar short so to speak. I would like to lose the luck that had me lust after and buy a total lemon car this summer. The luck that has my good car sitting in the driveway not starting at the moment. The luck that made the man I love have some hard to handle problems. That luck I would like to completely change. But, and you knew there would be a but, I wouldn't for anything change the luck that gave me two wonderful healthy beautiful children. The luck that gave me the most caring wonderful Mother and Father. The luck that has always had a roof over my head. Maybe not the fanciest roof but a comfortable one. I think what I am saying is while things don't seem to come super easy to us, the things that matter are perfect. Luckily I don't believe in fortunes since all the ones that said I would be rich and famous are far off. Still I wonder if the Restaurant would trade me fortunes I don't even want to chance that this oe is true!
I wonder if this fortune was just a small reminder that I should pick myself up out of the dumps and spend a little more time being thankful for what I do have. So on the whole my life is good and I actually feel much better remembering that. Right now Andrew is sitting on the couch 'reading' a book to us. It is too cute to resist. It's time to go read a few to him myself and then snuggle him to sleep.
Andrew and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day
You know those mornings when you just know things are not going to be good? Andrew had one of those this morning. 3 minutes out of bed and he was laying in the floor screaming, crying inconsolable. I still don't have any clue what set him off. After 5 minutes I was able to convince him to sit with me and calm down. He was up early and had gone to bed late. I thought to lay down with him and see if he could squeeze in another hour but I knew he was too awake for that. So we saw Michael off and lounged around for 30 minutes or so. During our lounging he was angry with me about 5 or 6 times over piddly stuff like my not reading his mind. That is when I knew it was going to be a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. I thought about skipping preschool today especially when I went out and my car wouldn't start. He loves preschool so I called my Mom to take him to school. My friend Sherry (Taylors mom) came and got me to go pick them up from preschool. Then we went to hang out at McDonalds playland for an hour or so. Andrew didn't have a very good day at preschool. The teacher whispered this to me but Andrew still somehow heard and he hung his little head like he thought I would be disappointed in him, as if that is possible. The teacher picked up on that right away too and reassured him that everybody has this kind of day and next time would be better. She said he was hitting and crying a lot and she knew something was up because he is always so happy and cheery. I got down to his level and told him I was sorry he was having a bad day but we all do sometimes and no matter what we still love him grumpy or not. I just wanted to cry when I saw that sad little downturned head. Since I have hovered on the brink of tears for the past couple days it is safe to say that a couple might have sprung forth spontaneously. We went to McDonalds and he wolfed down his burger and then they were off to the tunnels. He had a great time. As we are getting ready to leave I notice he has wet his pants. I didn't make a big deal but I mentioned it. He said he had to go bad but he was playing too hard to stop. So then we went to the bathroom and finished going. He had only gone a little in his pants and he still really had to go. Give me the bad Mommy award for not taking him potty when I thought about it. I should have known he was too into playing in those tunnels. We came home and not 2 minutes in the door something else was bothering him and he started up the whining. I just sat down on the floor and hugged him and told him I was sorry he was having such a rough day. Then I dug out the Alexander book and we read that and decided his day could be a lot worse.
I love that little guy so darn much. He is just so wonderful, I hate that he has a less than perfect day. I am also thinking he can sense my down mood and it is rubbing off on him. I know he was late getting to bed last night and up early this morning and that would explain this but I still think it is partly my fault. What a day.
Enter at your own risk AKA the rantings of a semi-crazy woman AKA stuck in Purge-atory
Is it possible that my sweet little puppy has picked up on my feelings and is also mad at Bryan? I wimped last night and let him in. I just couldn't stand that he would think we had abandoned him to the outdoors where the scary shadows lurk. He is such a chicken or as Bryan puts it he should have been born a cat he is such a pussy. So I dug out the baby gate to protect the carpet. Told Michael to pay attention if he woke up in the middle of the night and then let him in. He made it through the night just fine. I woke Michael for school this morning and Max was still sleeping on his floor. Not Two minutes later I hear Michael yell "Max!" and he had gone in my room and peed on Bryans shirt. I yelled at him and put him back out. I just don't know what is wrong with him. I wonder if he is getting senile. He isn't that old, almost 7, but he is a big dog and they age faster. I feel so badly putting him out of the house but he has lost his mind. Anyway serves Bryan right for leaving his damn clothes on the floor....asshole. My original thought here though was when he got Bryans shirt this morning it made me realize that 3 of these 4 'accidents' had been either in Bryans area - the garage on either side of Bryan's chair first time and then directly behind it the second time he hit the garage (he spends a lot of time there) and then on Bryans shirt this morning. This is probably coincidental but it makes me wonder. This dog knew I was pregnant before I did. He followed me around and was practically sitting on my feet all the time I was pregnant. Started right around the time I got pg and ended when I brought Andrew home. Don't get me wrong he is still my dog but I can pee without him standing guard now. When I was pg he was never more than 3 feet from me. I have not been outwardly angry with Bryan, we haven't argued or anything like that. I have just been turned off to him. Although I must be very obvious because Bryan didn't come to kiss me goodbye this morning nor did he say he loved me when I called to tell him the car wouldn't start. Both are automatic for him so he had to make a consious decision not to do them. This in turn pisses me off royally. How dare he portray himself as wronged by withdrawing from me. That ignorant SOB should be kissing my rather large ass and asking how he can make things up to me. He hasn't asked if or why I am angry with him so I am sure he knows why, yet he hasn't deleted that file from his computer. I guess that is his bit of control. I mean his way of thinking is that I am not his mother so who am I to censor what he looks at. I know this because we have had this conversation many times in our life together. I have tried the how would you feel if I was constantly looking at pictures of perfect naked men? He claims he would not care. That just makes me sadder that it wouldn't bother him. To me that says I am not worth caring about. I tell him all this but I don't think he gets it. I have to admit that I discovered this latest bit on Tuesday and Bryan has been staying off his computer since then. I don't know if it is because he was feeling guilty on his own or because he somehow immediately discovered the minute he got home that I knew. He was extremely helpful Tuesday night, really cleaning the kitchen after Supper. He went so far as to scrub the stove - very unusual for him. Last night he hung out on the couch in the livingroom (my nighttime domain) most of the night. I really wasn't into sharing space with him so I went to the bedroom to watch BB3. The saddest thing is that we really cannot discuss this. I have had my best luck writing him about this because he doesn't get all defensive immediately. If I try talking to him I think he feels cornered and gets very defensive and just shuts down. I don't even feel like writing him a letter about how I am feeling. I mean WTF it has all been said before. As big as this issue has been to me I do not think that he could pull up any porn and not know in his mond that I would be very hurt if I found it. I teeter on the brink of tears from saddness and tears of anger. From the times listed on the picutres I discovered that he was out in the garage looking at porn while I was in the kitchen whipping him up a chocolate meringue pie. Again I say asshole. Why do I bother doing special things for him? Because I love him? Because I think that all the extra touches will somehow make me be enough for him? Because I can slip into the facade of a happy family by doing so?
I know that Bryan has made extreme strides in handling his pornography addiction. I know this. I can tell it in all aspects of our life. When he was at the peak of his addiction our relationship was hell. There was little to no sex being had - his choice not mine (also a very common sign there is a problem). there was little communication between us. We were not figting with each other it was just as though we couldn't find each other. In the past year so much of that has changed. We go out together, We are affectionate with one another. We laugh and joke and tease and flirt. We smile at each other. We are no longer just two people living in the same house but seemingly on different planets. The past 6 months have really just been great I am so sad when I think that he could slip after seeing how things are so much better. He is usually very careful, if he wants to search for something he thinks might bring up porn he calls me out to sit with him usually. I know what started this latest roundand consequently it was me. I asked him to search for something and I know that search took him to popup land. It is just those little things that can trigger it and obviously what did because this latest round started when I asked him to find something for me It is like setting chocolates in front of a dieting person. They think they can have just 1 but end up eating the whole box. he see's one picture and thinks oh he will just look at one more. soon he is creating dummy folders on his hard drive to store some pics for later. I know it is a sickness just like alcoholism or drug addiction or gambling but this still hurts.
Well I guess that is enough purging for now. I need to go get Andrew from preschool in a few minutes and then we are off to McDonalds play land for a nice exciting afternoon.
Shit shit Dog shit. What the hell is up with my dog? When we got up today he had shit on the livingroom floor. I put him out, was thankful he hadn't peed and Bryan picked it up. I figured Michael had ignored him when he asked to go out (this has happened before but usually he comes to my bedroom door and lets me know). So I let him in a while later. A few hours later I am walking by the garage hall and think what is that smell? Andrew walks by and yells what stinks? I walk to the garage and there is not 1 but 2 heaping piles of dog shit. I was not happy. I told the dog no and put him outside. He was out all afternoon and then was let in this evening. He wasn't in the house 30 minutes when I hear something in the garage. (our garage isn't really a garage it is our laundry room and Bryans workshop computer area) I immediately say where is Max. Bryan goes to look and sure enough he has peed and pooped again in the garage!!!!! He went out again and he isn't coming back in tonight. I cannot believe this. What can be going on with him. I might mention these were not diarhea that he couldn't hold and didn't have time to tell us. He just didn't tell us. He never came and asked me to go out which he is very very good about doing. He has maybe 1 accident a year and today he did it 3 times in 1 day? Is he mad at us over something? I have no idea but I am not chancing my carpet tonight. He is staying outdoors. I feel horrible because he is my baby but I just can't face waking up to ruined carpet.
I am so seriously confused. This is a common state for me. I am so tense my shoulders and neck are just aching. This is of course because I am so freaked about this whole thing with Bryan. Now the stupid part is I so badly want him to rub my shoulders. I am feeling so badly about this that I can't even really look at him yet I want him to hold me. How idiotic is that. I think it is some perverse sense that I need to reclaim him as mine. To show myself that he really does love/desire me. The truth is I have always mixed up sex and love. To me sex = love. I know that isn't right. I can tell you that I know that is messed up thinking and that the two are very different very separate things but when this situation plays out in my life i still find myself feeling this way. Like if we are not having enough sex I feel unloved. If we are very active I feel everything is wonderful and I am loved. I am so messed up.
I am going to preface this by asking my friends to please not comment about my husband. What I am about to blog about is intensely personal and a very tender spot for me. I thought not to blog about it but I need to write it out, then I considered starting another private blog where I could hide this away. But this is real and what is going on in my life so I don't want to hide it away. I am just not ready to have a two-way conversation with anyone about it. I love my husband very much and anything said against him is only going to hurt me in the long run. In spring of 2001 I confronted Bryan about being a sexual addict. He was constantly looking at online porn. We worked through it and did a lot of repair work on our relationship. He has slipped a couple times and then jumped back on the wagon. In July I found some porn movies on his hard drive. That upset me but I watched for a while and found nothing else. Then for some reason I just got that feeling the other day and decided to look. There is now a folder of pictures. There weren't a lot of them but they were there and they were purposefully hidden there. Will this ever end? I can't cure him and I cannot live this way. I cannot keep thinking things are improving only to have the wind knocked out of my sails repeatedly. Finding it in July was hard but for some reason these few pictures have just totally knocked me out. I am devastated. I don't know how to describe it other than to just say I think I have hit bottom. I just don't care about things. I love my children but that is about all I have energy for. I don't want to talk to Bryan about it. I don't want to work anymore. I am tired of falling flat on my face. Why continue to live a lie? Why wonder every time he says he loves me if he really does? Why? Why? Why? The rough part for me is I do not want to break up my children’s home. Michael needs both a mother and a father with him at this point, and truthfully so does Andrew. How do I continue a marriage without falling into the pattern of husband and wife? I love him. I have loved him for what seems like forever. How do I live with him and protect my heart from him? Why doesn't he care what he does to my heart ever time this happens? Some would say my heart would be safe if I didn't snoop but the truth is that I snoop because I can sense something is wrong. The last 2 times I have been dead on noticing it within days of the stuff being downloaded. Of course who knows how much I have missed and he has hidden well. I spent a lot of time last year on a board of online sexual addicts. They helped me to understand this a lot. There were also many significant others on the board that helped me see what I was feeling was normal. In fact many of them had lived the same things. It was very therapeutic just knowing I wasn't alone. This isn't your ordinary run of the mill problem that you can chat about with the girls over coffee. Every ounce of research I have done says this is not about me and I can know that in my head but in my heart I cannot accept it. In my heart I know it has to be because I am not the young thin thing he married. In odd ways this makes me not want to lose weight. I do not want to lose weight for him. He doesn't deserve that consideration from me. I however know I need to lose weight for myself. Of course things like this just get me down and I am not into the weight loss mode.
Preschool was good today. Andrew really likes it. He runs in the door and doesn't even look back. I know that is a good thing but a tiny bit of my Momma ego is bruised that he could leave me without a second thought. I am choosing to believe that he knows I would not leave him someplace that wasn't safe.
I am feeling so disconnected the last week or so. I'm not sure what is going on with me. I find myself withdrawing from things I have really enjoyed in the past. It is an odd time for me right now. Not sure why I am writing this out, there isn't much to say about it. I think maybe I am just hoping that now that it is out there I can figure something out about it.
* more thoughts on this. I just got up to do some housework and it occurred to me that this disconnection I am feeling has to do with my online life. I am still very connected in real life in fact I am more connected. I am doing more in my real life and not online. Maybe that is why I am feeling disconnected. I mean there is only so much time in the day. The more I spend that time on other things the less time I have to be a part of online relationships. So I feel a little out of the loop online right now. I actually think this is a good thing. I know I spend too much time online normally so it is good to change that pattern. I will think more on this but for the moment at least I am thinking this maybe isn't such a bad thing.
Michael bought a crab for his aquarium on Friday afternoon. It was very active Friday night and Saturday morning and then it was just dead. Suddenly it was lifeless on the bottom of the tank. he tried moving it with a net and it was lifeless. It was under warranty so we figured we would take it back today. He left it in the tank for some unknown reason. So last night he is going to bed and he yells "Hey Mom come here! The crab is alive." I go in there and sure enough the spider looking thing is creeping around the tank but the dead crab is still laying on the bottom of the tank. Michael pulled out the dead one and it was just the shell. obviously the crab molted But the oddest thing is the shell was a complete shell with no hole where this thing got out of it. I still cannot figure out how it got out of the shell because it is complete with no holes anywhere on it. The crab will now be known as Houdini.
Andrew woke up with Bryan this morning. So we have been up since 4:30 fun fun. I am sure he will crash and take a nap sometime this morning and I will be a zombie all day. He is in a wonderful mood though so I can't complain. I love that child so much. Sometimes I look at the boys and I just overflow with how much I love them. They are the world to me.
This morning I see Michael digging through his bulging backpack - bulging because he still hasn't gone to his locker.....ggggrrrrrr. I had a long talk with him about not going to his locker Friday afternoon. I went through again how horrible carrying all of that was for his back. I guess the boy really does think we are rich because he made a comment about if his back started hurting he could just go back the therapist. Uh Duh kid that costs money! I would not hesitate getting my child the healthcare he needs but I would be pissed if he needed it because he refuses to go to his freakin locker. So finally I said ok even if we don't worry about you and your back, carrying all those books will ruin the $30 backpack I just bought you and I am not up for buying another one next week. I think I got sidetracked there, my point was I made it known that he better not bring all those books home tonight. So this morning he is going through his backpack pulling out papers. I ask what he is looking for. He is looking for his locker information. He doesn't even know his locker number. he lost it and that is why he didn't go Friday. I ask why he didn't tell me that Friday afternoon so I could call the school and get the information. Of course he doesn't know why he didn't tell me. ugh. So I sent him out the door with strict orders that he is to go directly to the office and get his locker info then go to his locker and unload those books and I don't care if he is late for first hour. My guess is he just ditched the locker info and was planning on carrying a lockers worth of stuff on his back for the entire school year. Some days I just feel like I am beating my head up against a brick wall. I just keep telling myself it is the age and he will return to normal sometime in the next 10 years.
My laundry is dingy. I have new washer and dryer so I don't think it is them. But my whites do not stay white. From todays research obvviously I am overwashing them. I almost always use the long wash cycle thinking that they are dingy washing them more will make them cleaner. Obviously this philosophy is wrong. From what I have read if you wash them longer than 7 minutes the dirt redeposits on them. This would explain that no matter how much I clean they seem to get dirtier. I am also guilty of the more is better when it comes to detergent. I now buy the laundry tablets so that I don't overuse on them but from what I am reading you really only need about half of what they recommend so I am still over using. I am also horrible about overuse of bleach, this can actually make whites less white. Go figure. And last but not least I love Downy too much obviously. According to research this can make the dirt cling to the fabric so I guess I will no longer be using it. :( I love the way it makes my clothes smell with Downy but I would rather them look nice than smell like a mountain stream .....lol. So now I will try a vinegar rinse and I will use peroxide in the wash cycle. Last but not least overdrying your clothes can discolor them, so I have to stop setting it for the really dry setting and get my ass out there sooner and fold them. This week I tackle whiter whites and next week I research brighter brights.
I am trying all my new found methods this afternoon. I hope this does the trick because I am dying with these nasty grey whites.
Andrew had a wonderful time at preschool. He is typical of the males in my house. I had to pull everything I learned about his day out of him.
Did you have fun? yeah
Did you have a snack? yeah
Did you play on the playground? yeah
When I asked questions that couldn't be answered yes or no I still got vague answers but I am used to that. Luckily they send home a great calendar about what they are doing so I have something to work from and some ides of what is going on.
